It was dark; not a star shone in the night sky. It seemed as if the moon was hiding, afraid of what it might see if it peeked its head out too soon. The air was thick, the humidity high and it made it all the more difficult to breathe.
The small house was mostly dark, save for the flickering light on the T.V. that he was watching in the living room. I watched my mom dress for her job, wishing that she didn’t have to go. Even at the tender age of eight, I had a queasy feeling in the bottom of my stomach.
With every tick of the clock the minute hand inched closer and closer to the eight. I knew once it reached eight, that my mother would be gone, leaving me home alone with him. The many times I had watched as he beat the shit out of her, already had me terrified.
My mother came out of the bedroom and passed right by me as she made her way to the front door. My eyes were screaming, “Don’t go! Don’t go! Please don’t go!” Not only did my mom not say goodbye, but she didn’t even take time to look at me. She didn’t acknowledge me at all. I got up and ran to my room as I heard the front door shut.
I decided that I would read to keep my mind occupied. As I laid on my bed reading stories of Ramona and Super Fudge, I heard faint footsteps coming down the hall. There was silence and then a knock at the door.
“Come in,” I said.
“You were being so quiet I just wanted to see what you were doing,” he said.
“Just reading,” I said not even looking up at him.
“Do you want to come out and watch tv with me?” He asked.
“No, I’m fine right here,” I replied softly.
“Okay, but you’re missing a funny show,” and with that he turned around and left, but forgot to close the door.
I waited until I was sure he was completely down the hall way and then got up and shut the door. I went back to my book and just as I was driving the uneasy feeling away, I heard him hollering from the living room.
“Megan!”
“Meeegaaaaan!”
“Hey, honey, come out here, I want to show you something, it’s really funny, you’ve got to come see this!”
I tried to ignore him at first, but then his voice began to sound angry and I began to feel frightened. I slowly made my way to the door and carefully opened it. Immediately his voice became louder and increasingly angrier. I quietly walked down the hallway and found him sitting in the dark living room. The curtains were all drawn on the windows, but one street light was shining brightly enough that it shone through the curtain and cast creepy shadows on the wall.
“There you are honey, what took you so long? Didn’t you hear me hollering for you?”
I just stared at him not saying a word.
“What’s wrong with you? Why are you being so quiet? Why don’t you come over here and sit on the couch next to me,” he said as he patted the couch cushion that was dark green with little pink and purple flowers on it.
As I moved closer to him I couldn’t keep my eyes off that floral pattern. I couldn’t bring herself to look at him.
“That’s it, just come right over here and sit down next to me. I’ve got something special to show you”.
It wasn’t until I sat down that I could smell the familiar odor of beer and saw the dozens of beer cans scattered on the coffee table. I sat there staring at my feet on the floor; still not wanting to make eye contact. My grandma had just painted my toenails and they were bright red. She had let me pick my own color from the many bottles she had on her dresser in her bedroom. I couldn’t help but giggle as she stuck cotton between my toes; it felt weird, a good weird, very different from the weird I currently felt.
The touch of his cold, calloused hand on my chin brought me back to reality. He must have been talking the whole time and I hadn’t heard a word of what he said, so he started over as he turned my head to force me to look right at him.
“Did you know that you are the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen?” he said as he stroked my long, brown hair.
I shook my head no.
“Well you are. You could be a model some day. Wouldn’t you like that?”
Again, I shook my head no.
“What? Why not? You’d be good at it. You’re eyes are as blue at the summer sky.”
I just stared at him, wishing he’d see how frightened I was and let me go, but he didn’t.
As he continued to talk he began to move his hand down from my hair and first onto my shoulder where it rested for a moment before moving down to my breasts. He touched my nipple through my blouse with his finger. I immediately froze in terror, my back arched and I raised her hand in protest.
“It’s okay. Don’t worry. It’s supposed to feel good,” he said as he pushed my hand down and began caressing both nipples with both of his hands.
“Please don’t,” I managed to squeak out.
“Just relax,” he said trying to sound comforting.
He soon reached down and pulled off my shirt.
“See now isn’t that better? Really, it’s okay”.
As I sat there on that green floral couch, half naked, using my arms to try and hide my breasts, I once again began to stare at my red painted toes.
There were so many colors to choose from. Grandma always had the prettiest colors. She also had many bottles of perfume. It was always a treat when she would let me spray her favorite perfume on myself. I smelled it that night, a mixture of roses and lilacs.
Suddenly, I felt his hands on my waist. He was tugging at my pants, trying to pull them down.
“Come on sweetie, let’s see what you’ve got under there.”
“No, please, don’t,” I whispered.
“I want to see your new pretty underwear that mom just bought for you. I helped her pick them out. Let me see how they look on you.”
I just sat there staring at him in disbelief. My eyes were begging, pleading with him to stop.
“Come on now, stand up,” he said with authority.
I slowly stood on my feet. I stared straight ahead at the creepy shadows on the wall; my arms limp at my side. He reached up and pulled my pants down, along with my new pretty underwear. They were white with tiny red roses on them and a tiny satin bow on the front.
“That’s a good girl, now go ahead and lay down on the couch.”
It was kind of like an out of body experience. I heard every word he said and I obeyed every command. I was above me, watching it all and unable to stop any of it.
He kissed my face, just to the side of my mouth. He said that my freckles were pretty. He said that boys liked to suck on freckles. Then he ran his hand up and down my naked body, giving me goose bumps. My stomach began to hurt.
Then his hand continued to go further and further down my body. His fingers stopped and circled my belly button for a few minutes.
Grandma had a white jewelry box with gold etching sitting on the dresser next to her perfume. It had about four or five drawers with gold knobs and the top of the box opened up to reveal a little mirror and lots of open spaces for her earrings.
His hands continued to make their way down my body. From my belly button they landed on my hips, gently massaging them. He kept them there for too long and my skin began to burn.
Next to the jewelry box was a picture frame with a really old picture in it. Grandma explained that the picture was of her parents when they got married. I had thought great grandma was so pretty. It didn’t even look like her now. She looked so young. I hoped that I would look as pretty as her some day.
Suddenly his hands forced my legs apart and his fingers began to circle my vagina. I jolted straight up, and hollered,
“No! No! No! Please! No! I don’t like that, please stop!”
“Shh, it’s okay. It will be okay, just lay back and relax. You’ll be fine. Shhhh.”
I laid back down, shut my eyes as tight as I could, then I felt his cold wet tongue licking the lips of my vagina. The tears began to fall down my checks as I felt his slimy disgusting tongue enter my little body.
I was sitting on Grandma’s bed, eagerly waiting as she gathered up all her supplies. She came bounding in the room with paper towels and and a handful of cotton balls. She sat across from me and told me to stick my foot out. The cotton tickled as she placed it in-between my toes. We both giggled. She held my foot steady in one hand. I looked at her soft white hands and saw the slightly bulging veins. I looked at my own hands and wondered if mine would look like hers someday.
